IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
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[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
All set.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I needed a laugh this morning.