I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
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Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface