[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
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4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Where is that goddamn asteroid already