Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
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him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
My birthstone is kidney
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?