God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
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Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
This is so me 😂😂
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.