showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
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“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News