How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
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People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.