If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
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[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Boom, boom, ching!
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.