Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
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If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Haha good job!!
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u