We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
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Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.