Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
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It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!