I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.