[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
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“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.