When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
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Shower sex be like:
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
some things should go without saying
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
This meal prepping shit easy
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree