There are 2 kinds of twitter.
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Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Oceanography is all about current events
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.