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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s