I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
You Might Also Like
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.