Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
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My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I know
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
How it started: How it’s going:
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.