Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
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Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
This was the best day of my life
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?