Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
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I missed you with all my darts
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
for all #parents out there
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..