Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
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bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…