When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
“No way.” -Jose
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.