Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
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[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
inside you are two wolves
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Usage Guidelines
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!