[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
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A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Guilty! 🤪
lost dog
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy