Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
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*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
So we got a goldfish…
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
i can’t wait that long
S M O L
Life cycle of cat
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”