I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
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Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?