people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
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It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I am having an out of money experience.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around