I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
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“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
They’re stuck in your pants?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!