Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
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I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
awesome draft from months ago i just found
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”