deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.