*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
This guy gets it.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday