mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
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[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.