Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
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Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed