me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
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Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.