boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
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Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.