My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.