“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
You Might Also Like
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.