*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
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My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.