Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
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pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.