A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
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Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
why I oughta
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.