When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
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[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”