Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
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Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters