[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
You Might Also Like
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”