Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
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In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
dutch is not a serious language
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.