You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
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16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Reporter: *ports again*
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza