11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
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[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..