Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
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My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I’m crying im so happy for them
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
pat pat
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…