[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
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Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.