50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.