Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
You Might Also Like
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
best first i’ve ever seen
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
#parenting
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom